Jessie's 1st Open Day

It's fascinating how kids sometimes find the most trivial things to be incredibly amazing! We had an Open Day at Uni on Saturday and I thought I'll take Jessie around to see what she makes of it. I was actually very reluctant at first because I thought she'd find it extremely boring but of course I should have known better! Jessie thought the whole experience was absolutely amazing and she even got a stadium tour of the iPro thrown into it as well. But she wasn't there just as a visitor, she had a role of having to take photos for our course social media page! Having a bit of responsibility is just down her alley and she's quickly becoming very uccostomed to "volunteering" at DCFC!

No weekend with Jess is complete without a couple of board games though and no matter if it's Trivial Pursuit or Tension, she rarely ends up on the losing side. Oh and did I mention, that girl loves winning!! It was auntie Ronel's birthday on Sunday but unfortunately we couldn't Skype so Jessie made her a quick happy birthday card which we sent to her - she's always so thoughtful and creative too!

Pity the weekends fly by so quickly but I love every minute of Jessie's company! Roll on a fortnight as I can't wait for the next one 😊

Why can't we just be normal?

A broken marriage and separation I guess is never a pleasant experience. It's unfamiliar territory for me as it's my first experience and hopefully the last one too. It makes it a hundred times harder when an innocent child is caught in the middle of it which is one of the reasons I was never in favour of giving up on our marriage and trying to fight for saving and repairing a broken marriage for a long time. But I suppose there comes a time where one has to accept a point of no return and try and be the best ex-partner possible. After all, one has to think of the impact the separation has on the child. When children aren't involved, you can just move on, close the chapter and start a new life. It's not so easy when there's children involved however.

Since the day we separated, I've been in favour of us remaining friends and being as normal to each other as possible. I was fortunate not to grow up in a split family situation but I can only imagine how difficult it must be. I remember my mum and dad argue though and it was the hardest thing to endure ever. I hated it! I can only imagine how Jessie's little heart must feel hearing or even knowing her mummy and daddy arguing and fighting. We had enough of that living together and there's no reason that should continue. I've been begging for us to be friends and to be normal so that Jessie can have both her parents at her school events, birthday parties, sport, graduation and even her wedding. Unfortunately I'm just fighting a lost cause every time I ask. When I do, I just get abused... How sad!

Surely it's common sense to put your own selfish feelings aside and be the best example to your child as possible! I'm by no means portraying myself as anything near the perfect parent or indeed person, but one thing I know for sure, my intentions are always to be a good and nice person. Putting our own feelings first and continuing the war is absolutely no way to set an example to a child and the damage may not be visible yet, but I fear, unless things change very quickly, the impact may still have a very long term effect. I pray every day that it will never happen but I do know we as parents are behind the steering wheel and I'm struggling to come to terms with and understand why we cannot all just be normal and try and be friends.

Studying full-time seen to be selfish

Post marriage has been challenging at times and it took a while to accept there was nothing that could save the marriage anymore. I was always going to be caught in between "accepting a break-up" and fighting and doing everything possible to save our marriage. It wasn't my choice to give up but I had to eventually accept defeat and respect my daughter's mother's choice and wish. Time does heal.... Eventually. People are right, it does get easier sometimes with time although not everything and it doesn't answer all questions, but you move on......

It also gives you time to reflect and for me personally it gave me an opportunity to improve my life. Not only as a person but also professionally and gain a qualification which would offer me an opportunity to improve not only my income but also my lifestyle and what I could offer my daughter, both financially as well as a role model. It doesn't come without sacrifice though and putting my career on hold for three years takes courage but the experience so far has been incredible and probably the best career/educational decision I've ever made! Not only have I excelled well above my own expectations so far but I have also developed as a professional individual enormously.

But rarely can I enjoy and take pride in what I see as an achievement without a dampener being put on it. None more so unfortunately than continuously being told that my choice of studying full-time instead of working full-time and supporting Jessie is nothing short of selfish!! I am sorry, but as far as I'm concerned it's very much the opposite. Yes it's a short term sacrifice but hopefully for a long term gain. It's not easy...... I have to juggle my studies, aiming for a comfortable first grade, doing a part-time job, trying to set up a business, volunteering for a charity and making time to spend quality time with Jessie (which I want and still see as the most important thing because nothing can buy back this time as she grows up). Though I'm not complaining and it was my choice but for once I'm actually feeling proud of what I'm achieving and a feel good factor alongside it. 

I've had to endure some dark times post seperation, many hours of feeling sad because Jess has been taking from me and often had visits being cancelled, leaving me in an even worse state. But I fought very hard to control those feelings despite being tested on numerous occasions. The last year and a bit has been a lot easier. Making me feel worthless however was never going to help and even though I specifically asked on several occasions not to be told I'm doing Jessie injustice because of my decision to study towards a degree, I still get accused. Even worse that some outsiders have started the same thing, telling me that I'm selfish, and that I should get a job!

Why should the world be such a cruel place when all I'm trying to do is become a better person and be the best dad I could possibly be? It's these kind of things which leads a person to lose motivation unfortunately, when nobody can see the good intentions you have and instead throw stones at you and enjoy the suffering it brings, to then say "you've brought it upon yourself". Where's the love gone in this world......?