It's The Small Things That Matter

Sadly, the weekend and another visit from Jess has come to an end, but yet again it's been another memorable couple of days! There's been no football for us to go and watch - next week is the big one, Derby v Forest - but we've been cheering England on against Wales in the 6 Nations rugby, in-between heaps of fun. After all, Jessie does need her dose of sport every weekend. It's been the little things we got up to this weekend though which will be remembered most. Who'd ever have imagined that a tiny water bottle spray would become the most used item these last couple of days as Jess thoroughly enjoyed spraying me at every given chance while she's been hiding and waiting for me around almost every corner of the house! Oupa would love this naughty and mischievous streak in her! I wonder where she gets it from!!

Star Monsters - They require a lot of training!!!!

A couple of weekends ago, Jess loved the Open Day at Uni and this time I took her to the Uni library where she enjoyed the responsibility of electronically returning my books. Casualty has been one of her favourite tv series' for as long as I can remember and it always has a regular slot in our Saturday evening chill down time in front of the telly and the last couple of months we've added the Voice and the Lottery show to it as well - unfortunately retirement isn't on the cards just yet!  The rest of the weekend included a game of chess, which of course I came second in, regular training of Jessie's Star Monsters, getting them to fall on their feet when we chuck them in the air, Dangerous Mouse trumps she made and printed herself (squeezed a win in there at least) and marbles, which of course Jess beat me at as well. Not to mention a bit of Karaoke and Sing Star! The less said about my dancing the better!!

This morning was a beautiful day though so we took a walk to the park where we fed some ducks and took a rowing boat out on the lake. It was an amazing experience and Jessie had such a great time (me too of course), she managed to perfect her technique and did most of the rowing herself, which couldn't have been easy considering her weight against mine and the boat, but she did a brilliant job. I wish we took pictures as it was a beautiful day out on the lake. We treated ourselves to an ice cream on the way back - I think she deserved it! I already miss her but most grateful for another amazing weekend yet again. Can't wait to see her again......

Regretful decisions - Happy 30th Birthday Buks

We all make decisions on our journey through life we sometimes question. None more so than the one I made 8 years ago nearly to this day..... Taking my wife & kids and moving abroad! Foreign travelling was nothing new to me at the time and very much a regular occurrence due to playing cricket overseas for the previous 13 years. Perhaps it was just too easy to pack the bags and "move". It was a new venture, nerve-wrecking experience yes but overshadowed I guess by excitement.

Little did I know about the risks and implications at the time unfortunately. Here I am 8 years later, going through a divorce, having lost two sons, only seeing my 9 year old daughter every fortnight, lost my mum to cancer, living in a country where immigrants are looked worse upon by the day, seen by fellow South Africans as a traitor for "turning my back" on the country and not having been able to afford to visit any family or friends (well at least those who still want to see me) back in SA for more than 5 years.

At the time I just thought we did the right thing. not least for our children's future. Silly me :-( ......... It's easy to point a finger at an immigrant, I see it every day, sadly. So many people don't realise how lucky they are or what it takes for some immigrants to seek a better life, the sacrifices and risks it takes. Blimey, my situation doesn't even come close to some of the stories we see and hear about like Syrian refugees!! You can't just categorise everyone under the same label but unfortunately some people do, whether it's based on colour, religion, sex, immigration, you name it. Once a view on it, they see no difference between one or the other unfortunately.

So yes I have regrets, besides my own personal life, mostly regrets because what I've taken away from others. It's hard enough having lost what I have but I can't imagine how difficult it must be seeing your family grow up in pictures like they have with Jessie. All because of my stupid decision.... Selfish and heartless..... It's not something I can take back unfortunately and it's regret I live with every day of my life.

I don't think I was in Maritza's best books here!! Clearly she didn't get her way!

Not many aunties are as close to their nieces as my sister, Maritza, to Jessie. Right from birth!! We're lucky to have a family member being so close and that's no disrespect to any other family member. I guess Maritza, very much like myself, wears her heart on her sleeve. Today is a sad day for me to be honest and it should be a very happy day for Maritza! My little sister turns 30!!!! I can't believe it and I wish we could be there to celebrate..... I'm really sorry and sad we can't be there and make it extra special, but hope those around you do, because you deserve it. Gosh we've had many fights through the years, less nowadays though (probably because there's 6,000 miles between us), lol, but I love her to bits and I've been fortunate to have had her in my life. I hope you enjoy your birthday Buks and I'm so, so sorry for the decision we made 8 years ago. Love you lots xx

Controlling Anger - Easier Said Than Done

It’s been a long time since I've been this angry apart from being let down by a couple of friends the other day, but at my soon to be ex-wife, it’s been a long time! Even last week’s incident didn't make me this angry because that was more disappointment than anger to be honest.  Having been told on three separate occasions that I am not allowed to take Jessie overseas, and twice just being ignored, I opened an email today “asking my permission” for her mother to take her to SA over Christmas! The cheek, not only because I'm not allowed to, but this in the wake of being told last week that I can’t speak to Jessie every day even though we often speak for 3 – 5 minutes only. Bizarre that my permission is required when despite having asked for it on numerous occasions I don’t even get consulted when it comes to decision making over her schooling and extra mural activities. Oh yes of course, legislation and immigration laws have changed, you can’t take a child in and out of South Africa anymore without both parents’ consent. I bet that drives some parents insane!!

Am I wrong feeling upset about this? Maybe I am, but I cannot begin to explain how it feels to be told I cannot be trusted in taking my little girl, someone I love and care about more than anything in this world, overseas or be told “maybe one day, things might improve”. Nothing will buy back this time taken away from us, nothing!! I have done nothing to deserve that! My entire life has already been wrecked totally by one person’s selfish decision in causing me to not be part of 95% of my little girl’s life, without even willing to fight and do everything possible to try and work things out. People would tell me “move on”….. I ask these questions. Do you have a child? How would you feel losing him or her? Have you lost a child? Do you know anyone who has lost a child and would you dare saying to someone who’s lost a child to move on? I won’t…… perhaps we’re just different but I’ll rather comfort that person and say I'm really sorry and try to be the best friend I could be – not judge that person’s actions because he/she is angry at God.

I get punished for having suffered with depression and having felt like giving up on life because of what has been taken from me  – yet I never attempted it but I wasn't allowed to even see my beloved daughter for 6 months and even then it was under supervision for a long time yet the same person who imposed that punishment laid in intensive care previously having actually attempted suicide – yet I'm the one being judged, I'm the one told to get a life, to get real, that I'm selfish….. honestly? Did I cause adultery? No! Did I try and raise another man’s sons? Yes, because they felt like my own and I loved them as much as I love my own daughter! Have they disowned me? Yes! How many happy birthday messages and Christmas messages and condolences have I sent without any reply! I wish I knew why…. I wish I knew why my sins and shortcomings are worse than theirs and why mine is just unforgivable. Sad that one person’s family and friends can turn against you for reasons unbeknown to yourself…… yet they would pretend to love your little girl. How can you love someone but hate the person she loves to bits? What a crazy, sad, sad world we live in……… But it’s all my fault.

A sad day 😔

The last few weeks, and this week in particular, have been pretty good. I've spoken to Jessie every night since Monday, albeit each time for only a couple of minutes, but it's just amazing to be hearing her sweet little voice and to be able to ask her if she's had a nice day and wishing her good night. It truly makes my day. My advice to anyone who's still in that fortunate situation to be permanently living with your loved ones is to not take anything for granted, live every day as if there's no tomorrow and show this love to one another. Unfortunately today I was told by her mum that I can't expect to talk to her every day. Which parent in his/her right mind could be that cruel to deny another parent that privilege? There's been many cruel actions I've questioned through the years though but to be told this, has been a very tough pill to swallow. And then as if it would make it easier for me to understand, I get told that Jessie doesn't want to speak to me every day, that it takes too much time out of her day. How very, very sad 😔

What is 5 minutes in any person's life? I'm not upset with Jess if this genuinely came from her. Not for one moment, and I'd have understood if we weren't close but I know how much she loves me. Perhaps one day that might change, but I pray it doesn't and I will always do my best to be the best father I could possibly be. I just find it beyond belief that a parent who took a decision for another parent not be part of the child's everyday life in the first place, could turn around and say you cannot speak to that little angel of yours, every day of your life. If roles were reversed I know I'd have done the opposite. I'd have encouraged the relationship between child and parent and I'd have explained to the child how important sacrificing 5 minutes of fun sometimes is. Surely it's called discipline and good parenting or am I wrong? 

When I tried bringing up another man's two sons, I remember doing everything I could to encourage the relationship between them and their father and on numerous occasions I told them to remember to call their dad. And that was before I even knew how hard it is when 95% of your life with your child has been taken away from you as it is. Whenever Jessie is with me for longer than a weekend I always tell her to give her mum a call. I don't think Jess has called me twice in three years. Again, everyone who knows how close Jessie and I am will understand that it doesn't reflect on our relationship at all and she cannot be blamed for that either - after all she is only 9! But if roles were reversed I'd certainly make an attempt to get her to call a couple of times a week and check in to see how mum's day has been. There is no way that talking to a parent, especially at that age, should be an effort. Imagine a life where if you live with your nine year old, you go a day without speaking to her because it takes too much time out of her day. I'm just gob-smacked.

It's a tough pill to swallow, very sad and very ruthless to be told you can't speak to each other every day. I often tell myself and others how often we focus on the bad things and forget to be grateful for what we have but its hard sometimes to accept the misery others can cause. How hard can it be to be nice..... I don't always have someone to talk to, which any expert would say sometimes make things a little easier, therefore I guess I put my feelings to paper. Not with the intention to publicly humiliated anyone but rather as a warning to others out there not to make the same mistakes. No child or parent should be denied a little bit of happiness and love from one another. As children though, sometimes we just need to be reminded of the little things that matter.

Jessie's 1st Open Day

It's fascinating how kids sometimes find the most trivial things to be incredibly amazing! We had an Open Day at Uni on Saturday and I thought I'll take Jessie around to see what she makes of it. I was actually very reluctant at first because I thought she'd find it extremely boring but of course I should have known better! Jessie thought the whole experience was absolutely amazing and she even got a stadium tour of the iPro thrown into it as well. But she wasn't there just as a visitor, she had a role of having to take photos for our course social media page! Having a bit of responsibility is just down her alley and she's quickly becoming very uccostomed to "volunteering" at DCFC!

No weekend with Jess is complete without a couple of board games though and no matter if it's Trivial Pursuit or Tension, she rarely ends up on the losing side. Oh and did I mention, that girl loves winning!! It was auntie Ronel's birthday on Sunday but unfortunately we couldn't Skype so Jessie made her a quick happy birthday card which we sent to her - she's always so thoughtful and creative too!

Pity the weekends fly by so quickly but I love every minute of Jessie's company! Roll on a fortnight as I can't wait for the next one 😊

Why can't we just be normal?

A broken marriage and separation I guess is never a pleasant experience. It's unfamiliar territory for me as it's my first experience and hopefully the last one too. It makes it a hundred times harder when an innocent child is caught in the middle of it which is one of the reasons I was never in favour of giving up on our marriage and trying to fight for saving and repairing a broken marriage for a long time. But I suppose there comes a time where one has to accept a point of no return and try and be the best ex-partner possible. After all, one has to think of the impact the separation has on the child. When children aren't involved, you can just move on, close the chapter and start a new life. It's not so easy when there's children involved however.

Since the day we separated, I've been in favour of us remaining friends and being as normal to each other as possible. I was fortunate not to grow up in a split family situation but I can only imagine how difficult it must be. I remember my mum and dad argue though and it was the hardest thing to endure ever. I hated it! I can only imagine how Jessie's little heart must feel hearing or even knowing her mummy and daddy arguing and fighting. We had enough of that living together and there's no reason that should continue. I've been begging for us to be friends and to be normal so that Jessie can have both her parents at her school events, birthday parties, sport, graduation and even her wedding. Unfortunately I'm just fighting a lost cause every time I ask. When I do, I just get abused... How sad!

Surely it's common sense to put your own selfish feelings aside and be the best example to your child as possible! I'm by no means portraying myself as anything near the perfect parent or indeed person, but one thing I know for sure, my intentions are always to be a good and nice person. Putting our own feelings first and continuing the war is absolutely no way to set an example to a child and the damage may not be visible yet, but I fear, unless things change very quickly, the impact may still have a very long term effect. I pray every day that it will never happen but I do know we as parents are behind the steering wheel and I'm struggling to come to terms with and understand why we cannot all just be normal and try and be friends.

Studying full-time seen to be selfish

Post marriage has been challenging at times and it took a while to accept there was nothing that could save the marriage anymore. I was always going to be caught in between "accepting a break-up" and fighting and doing everything possible to save our marriage. It wasn't my choice to give up but I had to eventually accept defeat and respect my daughter's mother's choice and wish. Time does heal.... Eventually. People are right, it does get easier sometimes with time although not everything and it doesn't answer all questions, but you move on......

It also gives you time to reflect and for me personally it gave me an opportunity to improve my life. Not only as a person but also professionally and gain a qualification which would offer me an opportunity to improve not only my income but also my lifestyle and what I could offer my daughter, both financially as well as a role model. It doesn't come without sacrifice though and putting my career on hold for three years takes courage but the experience so far has been incredible and probably the best career/educational decision I've ever made! Not only have I excelled well above my own expectations so far but I have also developed as a professional individual enormously.

But rarely can I enjoy and take pride in what I see as an achievement without a dampener being put on it. None more so unfortunately than continuously being told that my choice of studying full-time instead of working full-time and supporting Jessie is nothing short of selfish!! I am sorry, but as far as I'm concerned it's very much the opposite. Yes it's a short term sacrifice but hopefully for a long term gain. It's not easy...... I have to juggle my studies, aiming for a comfortable first grade, doing a part-time job, trying to set up a business, volunteering for a charity and making time to spend quality time with Jessie (which I want and still see as the most important thing because nothing can buy back this time as she grows up). Though I'm not complaining and it was my choice but for once I'm actually feeling proud of what I'm achieving and a feel good factor alongside it. 

I've had to endure some dark times post seperation, many hours of feeling sad because Jess has been taking from me and often had visits being cancelled, leaving me in an even worse state. But I fought very hard to control those feelings despite being tested on numerous occasions. The last year and a bit has been a lot easier. Making me feel worthless however was never going to help and even though I specifically asked on several occasions not to be told I'm doing Jessie injustice because of my decision to study towards a degree, I still get accused. Even worse that some outsiders have started the same thing, telling me that I'm selfish, and that I should get a job!

Why should the world be such a cruel place when all I'm trying to do is become a better person and be the best dad I could possibly be? It's these kind of things which leads a person to lose motivation unfortunately, when nobody can see the good intentions you have and instead throw stones at you and enjoy the suffering it brings, to then say "you've brought it upon yourself". Where's the love gone in this world......?

No overseas holidays with Jess

How cruel can a parent be? Admittedly I'm not in the best financial position right now but nonetheless it doesn't stop me having dreams and working towards goals and holidays. Sadly though, for the third time in the last 15 months I'm told that I'm not allowed to take Jessie abroad. What kind of person would be perfectly fine leaving our beloved daughter in my care on weekends but don't "trust" me taking her on holiday for a weekend or maybe longer to France or Italy? Like I'm a criminal or have a record or background of doing anything crazy and cause my little girl harm. Apparently I'm too unstable and I'm not settled in this country! Really!!!! The only reason I'm "unsettled" if that is what it's called, is because I'm the one who got told to leave a family house and start again on my own. To then had to make a choice between carrying on the job I did and not get to see my little girl because my employer couldn't guarantee giving me weekends off every fortnight. To then be made redundant shortly after starting a new job because one of the outlets closed down, certainly hasn't helped but instead of being lazy and living off benefits I decided to try and improve my career prospects by studying towards a Sport Management degree and possibly doing a PGCE. Still, I'm the one blamed for everything, my child taken away from me and I'm not allowed to get upset about it. Now I'm constantly being told I can't take her abroad, yet we've had numerous holidays travelling across England.

I feel so sorry for Jess being denied that opportunity and not to mention visiting South Africa and her family there. Perhaps she may never travel to South Africa again until she's 18 because no matter how nice a person I am or have been, how could I ever agree for her mum to take her on holiday when she has denied me the chance? I'd love to say I'm a better person than that and believe me I always strive and try my best to be the best person I can be, but when I get punished and Jessie has to live with the consequences of not being able to share and make those memories with me too, how can anyone just accept it? It's just incredibly sad.....

I've been trying to open a savings account for her in her own name for several months but again, I can't be trusted with her birth certificate or passport? How can I keep on being treated like an animal, not trusted, like I am a criminal of some sorts? But I dare not get upset about it because then I'm the bad one. What sad person can continue being this mean to another despite being begged to just be normal, not least for the child's sake. Yet, I'm completely trusted in having my little angel stay with me in this country (thankfully). Crazy..... nothing would ever buy back this time that has been taken away from us and it's hard to forgive when a person continue causing you harm. I wish I could.......

1st snow of the year ☃

If there's one person in this world who never fails at bringing joy in my life, it's Jessica! We may only see each other every fortnight, but rarely does a weekend together not leave memories that will last a lifetime and this weekend has been no exception! Sadly though the Rams did their best at spoiling the party on Saturday getting hammered 3-0 by Birmingham.... It was the first time Jessie has seen them lose mind you but no doubt it won't be the last time either, as much as I wish it can be avoided. But as they say, you've got to have the bad days in order to appreciate the good ones!

It didn't stop us having an amazing evening though as we played a game of Tension - the new board game her uncle Geoff bought her for Christmas - and did a bit of wrestling which she always loves! Yesterday morning we were greeted with a blanket of snow outside which we took full advantage of going for an early morning walk in the park which of course included a snowball fight and building a snowman too! There was even time for an ice cream!!

Despite the problems there are and have been between her mum and I and both of our mistakes and shortcomings, I will always be proud of and appreciate the role we both play in trying to raise her in the best possible way. Jessie's manners never lets me down and I just hope she never loses that! She's the most kind hearted little girl any parent can wish for. I love you to bits Jessica Elaine de Vos ❤️

A dream project, please let's make it happen......

Please donate by clicking here - your help will go a long way

Ever since making the decision to permanently move abroad seven years ago, I've had a dream of helping others accomplish what I was blessed with shortly after turning nineteen; An opportunity to visit and play cricket in England, the place it's believed to have been practised more than 450 years ago. Leaving the shores of Africa in 2008 wasn't easy, nor was it back in 1996. Although some similarities exist - a new adventure and both on the back of cricket - there were two big differences; Not knowing if we'll ever return and leaving everything behind. It's a sacrifice nobody understands unless you've experienced it yourself.

Many days I ask myself whether or not is was the right thing to do, how life would have been had we not made that decision? Not many days go by without me carrying a heavy load of guilt on my back for making a selfish decision - a decision that I thought would offer us a better opportunity, better career, better education for our children and a safer environment. At the time I didn't think about what I took away from others - grandchildren away from their family, children away from their parents, family and friends and the opportunity that the cricket academy I started seven years prior provided to children from all backgrounds. It's sometimes a bitter pill to swallow.

Things may not have turned out the way I'd hoped and although I may never quite understand why, I will always believe things happen for a reason, albeit not always easy to accept, it can often steer you on a different route with unexpected and perhaps better outcomes. Who'd have thought I'd be in full-time education at the age of thirty nine? Who'd have thought I'd be standing pitch side in front of 32,000 singing fans during kick off at an English Football match and that I'd have fallen in love with Wheelchair Basketball, being a Team Liaison for Italy? Who knows the reason we get knocked off our path sometimes, the important thing is to get up and make the best of what we're able to while we can.

It's for that reason I've decided to focus on the dream I mentioned right at the beginning. Being involved in the Academy back in South Africa not only gave me lifelong memories but it provided something to the community which we could all share, enjoy and benefit from. Sport development has improved vastly over the past decade and many young people from all corners of South Africa are given an opportunity to compete on the world stage nowadays. Cricket has also transformed into a very wealthy sport and can be very financially rewarding for those who make it onto provincial level, especially in the IPL. Kids from all backgrounds, no matter how poor, therefore have an opportunity to set themselves up for life through doing something they love.

The project I'm looking to start however, is aimed at those who probably won't make it that far. It's aimed at young people who just aren't quite good enough to represent their country or even province but who have a passion and love for the game like no other, like what I had when all I wanted to do was come to England and play cricket every day. Although I had the passion, the biggest problem standing in the way of relishing my dream was being able to fund it. I was very lucky though - the help I received from the community and years of savings made it possible. Not everyone is that blessed..... I want to help make that possible for some and offer them something they will never forget.

I'm hoping to raise enough money to be able to offer two cricketers a six week visit to England next year, during which they'll receive coaching, play matches, a visit to Lord's and enjoy some British culture. This might well be the only ever time they get such a chance - who knows, it might even jump-start their career in the sport. Although I'm planning a number of fundraising events, this will not be possible without generous support from businesses and individuals. I must therefore ask if you'd please be so kind to support this campaign by clicking on the link to help make someone accomplish a dream and by making even a tiny donation. 

No matter how small, your contribution will go a long way towards making this dream a reality. The biggest challenge is getting every single person reading this to donate something. Too often we think, "Nah, I can't be bothered", "my tiny contribution won't help" or even worse, "I'll do it another time" - then we don't. Please, act now. What is one less £3 spent on something this month or even week? 

By donating something and sharing this with your friends via email, Facebook, Twitter or whichever way you can, could eventually help offer these guys the best six weeks of their lives.

Let's make this possible, together, please. Your help will be gratefully appreciated, thank you.

Is modern technology damaging our mannerism?

If there’s one thing I can’t stand, other than lies and stealing, it’s someone not showing manners. Growing up as a kid there was no option. It was as necessary as the air we needed to breathe. You wouldn't dare show disrespect, not least to your elderly. I remember how it was the norm to call someone around ten years or so older than you “aunt” and “uncle” – not just those related to you. It was called respect.

Many of us change as we get older. Some for the better, some for the worse unfortunately. I know I myself have changed but one thing I’ve tried really hard to hold on to, is manners. It’s so easy and it doesn't cost anything. Luckily there are millions out there who still have amazing manners and it’s always so pleasing to see.

I've always been very proud of my little girl, Jessie’s, manners and it’s always pleasing for a parent when someone praises her for it. She has a golden heart too and the two often goes hand in hand. Just the other day she illustrated this once again when walking pass a homeless man in the city, she asked if she could give her hot dog which she hadn't even taken a bite of yet, to the man. She stood there watching him from a distance with genuine care and I could see how happy she felt that he had something to eat.

Wouldn't the world be an amazing place if every person in this world showed the same amount of care to others? We quickly forget our purpose on this piece of land. It doesn't even belong to us, yet we’ll fight over it, tell others we have more right on it than what they have. I sometimes think as individuals we give up too easily because we think we can’t make a difference. That there are too many people out there not sharing our beliefs and principles. I think that’s where we go wrong…… I do think there are more well-mannered and caring people on earth than there are baddies. But we’re too caught up in our own thing and worry too much about ourselves. We think we can’t change the world – as individuals I’m sure we can’t, but we can change individuals and as one we can go a long way to changing the world. There’ll always be evil, but it will have little impact if it only makes up for 1% of the globe.

Back to Jessie….. I was struck this morning by a one liner Skype message I received from her in reply to me trying to arrange a time for us to chat. We haven’t been able to talk all week and all of last week neither, and I've sent her a few messages trying to arrange an appropriate time to talk. Of course I was delighted to wake up finding a message of hers on my Skype but unfortunately my mood was dampened straight away when it read “I can’t I'm going to chestifer”. No good morning papa, how are you? Just a one liner. It’s not how I know my little angel so it’s quite deflating. I did manage to quietly laugh about the chestifer which I presume was meant to be Chesterfield, lol.

It’s not the first time and I’ve spoken to her about the importance of being respectful and to show manners at all times, even on a social chat platform and she listened at the time. She had a very old mobile phone then and she blamed it on the fact that it takes forever for her to write something, which I could sympathise with. One wouldn't normally encourage 9 year old children to communicate via that platform but society is changing, kids are quickly becoming more IT intelligent at a younger age and it provides the best form of communication for us – we just need to stay on top of it with regards to safety as well as the method we communicate in, not forgetting manners.

It then made me think….. Are we living in a time where social media has become so dominant that the speed of which we write to one another is causing us to put things in short, emotionless sentences, if we could even call it a sentence? Are we sending messages across to one another that misinterpret ourselves or is it becoming such a habit that we actually forget how to communicate with each in a proper, well-mannered and respectful way? As technology moves forward, society seems to go backwards. I'm not sure if that’s a good thing.

I've not been able to speak to her since, although I did reply with a very polite message reminding her not to forget her manners even in a message. When there are miles between you and your daughter and she only sees you one or two days a fortnight at most, it becomes even more difficult to be the “bad parent”, nagging, and it’s a risk you take because you want to do everything in your power for her to love you and not give any reason for her to dislike you but hopefully one day she’ll appreciate it and realise you did it because you love her more than anything and just want her to grow up being the beautiful, wonderful and caring person she is. “I hate telling you off my angel as much as you hate being told off, I promise you. Papa loves you to the moon and back my skapie xx”.

An Apology - It can work wonders

No doubt much has been written and spoken about an apology. In my opinion, it's an action that can work wonders. When it's truly meant of course. Sometimes we abuse apologies and use them without actually meaning it and just saying it for the sake of it. I think a true apology is something very special but it also needs someone special to be able to accept one. It's therefore also a two way stream. I was pleasantly surprised this evening when a good friend of mine contacted me and apologised over something he said a day or two ago. Not directed at me but a comment he made in general. It takes a true gentleman in my mind to stand up and apologise and that one little action this evening tells me so much about this friend. I know he truly meant it because most people would have just left it and carried on, hoping maybe it be forgotten along the way; Not this guy. Having stepped away from the situation, given it some thought, he felt his comment was unfair and he apologised! That's a true gentleman and something I'll remember a lot longer than a silly comment he once made. Let's not be too proud and too selfish to apologise. No matter how little or irrelevant it may seem, we have no idea how much it might mean to the other person.

Things Don't Always Go To Plan

Things unfortunately don't always go the way we plan it. This coming weekend being a prime example. I guess as we get older, we start celebrating our birthday less and less - though not everyone will agree with that - and to be honest it's not exactly the same celebrating all by yourself. It's not easy when your family are six thousand miles away and your daughter not being able to be with you, despite being twenty minutes away.

I was blessed last year, having an unforgettable one and Jessie made it unbelievably special. This year unfortunately a chain of circumstances are preventing me from being with Jess. Every day I'm not with her makes me very sad of course but I feel extremely sorry for her not being able to be with me. Even more so for the fact that I won't be able to see her perform at a Diwali Festival on Friday.

So much for people thinking immigrants have it easy and just live off the state! They have no idea.....  I can only hope that Jessie will one day understand and forgive me for not always being able to be there. Things WILL get easier....... I'm sorry my angel :-(

Good Night Pappa

Jessie and I had a wonderful chat on the phone this evening. She sounded so upbeat and we were talking about allsorts. She was busy making loom bands when I called her but unfortunately I had to go and when I called her back half an hour later, she'd finished 11 more!

We spoke about Friends and her favourite characters (apparently Pheobe), funny adverts, Derby County and so much more. She's so excited about being a season ticket holder and she wanted to know if she gets a new ticket for every match because she has a special book she saves her old match tickets in.

Jessie believes she can already work for DCFC

Then she came up with an idea she wants me to put forward to the club...... She suggested that every Rammie Squad member should be given a disk with all the season's footage on it so that they can look back at it over the years to bring back memories. She also suggested it be personalised to each member by having their name and a photo with Rammie on it, along with Derby County and the season. She believes she can get a job at Derby County!

She then told me something very special. She said next time she sees me she's going to bring her special box with. I asked her what this special box was and she replied by saying it's where she keeps all the things that remind her of me; Photos, letters, etc. Couldn't help for my heart to skip a beat when she said that. Time is supposed to heal but with some things it's just getting harder by the day.

A couple hours later I got this message on my phone reading "Good night pappa, I love you". It's hard to accept sometimes and not many people appreciate just how difficult losing out on 95% of being part of a loved one's daily life is - instead some criticise when you speak out about it. Life isn't always fair but I can still count my blessings for Jessie being such a wonderful girl and at least being able to be part of 5% of her life. That's surely better than nothing at all.

Time heals slowly

It's been a while since I've shared my thoughts on here. Sometimes sharing one's opinion can cause further obstacles and problems, but sometimes keeping them inside of you can cause a buildup of bad and negative emotions.

Another year has gone; it hasn't been an easy one. Caught in the middle of emotions of wanting to forgive but also those of anger, disappointment, confusion and sadness. If only moving on was that easy.

People say things get better in time. Maybe it does.......

The problem is that some people also say "never give up".......

How does a person sometimes know what the right thing to do is? Not the best thing, but the right thing. And who does the right thing best apply to? You, your ex or the child? Do you go with your brain or your heart?

It's not easy...... It's seems very easy to comment from the outside but when you're the one in those boots, trust me, it's not easy to move on. But I have no doubt we'll get there. When you truly love somebody, and I mean truly, I guess what's most important is to see the person happy. The hardest thing is not knowing whether or not she's in fact truly happy or indeed what exactly it is she really wants. Being able to sit down and talk about it ought to be the best way forward but when it's not an option it only makes matters worse.

Perhaps one day I'll have a better understanding, but as for now, there are unfortunately still too many questions that remain unanswered. One thing I am certain about though is that I'm pass the stage of being angry and can only offer my forgiveness.

A Brilliant Birthday

Jessie and I on my birthday.

A couple of months ago I celebrated my first birthday after Melissa and I got separated. Of course it was going to be a bit of an emotional, low key event. Mind you, getting to my age, these occasions aren't events anymore, just a reminder that you're nearing retirement age, lol.

But Jessie had other ideas! How silly of me to think that my birthday will be a low key event. Not when Jessica de Vos is involved!! Oh no, she had other ideas, and that little 7 year old has a heart of gold and knows how to brighten anyone's day up and make an ordinary day, a special one.

Our day began with a bit of brunch in town. Jessie loves Frankie & Benny's and we were just in time to put last orders in on the breakfast menu. It felt right to treat Jessie on this day and she quickly indulged into a triple layer pancake with maple syrup. I opted for an ordinary English Brekkie. Then we swapped plates as the pancake proved just a little too much for my princess. She had no problem tucking in to my bacon and eggs though, lol.

Jessie & Billy at Walkabout

We then went to Build-a-Bear where Jessie chose a bear to be made for her and got him an outfit. She named him Billy and now he shares the same birthday as me! If you think it's hard going clothes shopping with a girl, try shopping for clothes with a 7 year old and her bear! We eventually walked out of there an hour later with a slight dent in my wallet! But it was worth every minute and penny!

England happened to play the All Blacks later that day and after initially inquiring at Walkabout if kids were allowed on the day, we made a reservation. We were welcomed with a certificate placed on our reserved table, including South African flags. A lovely touch by Bashka!

Nice touch by Walkabout

We had a great time and Jessie really enjoyed the atmosphere. She even stood up and did the Haka. That cost me a fiver too! After the rugby we were greeted by hundreds of people gathering outside in the Market Square. It was the switching on of the Christmas lights. We ended up staying there and enjoyed wonderful entertainment! And of course Jessie got to see Santa which in addition to the live music was undoubtedly the highlight for her. The countdown was followed by a huge "wow!!!" as the Christmas lights were all turned on.

The Big Birthday Bash!

That was followed by the private party at home. VIPs only. Jessie, myself and Billy the bear. Jessie brought her Happy Birthday hat with and we took turns in wearing it. Either the cake was very small or I'm just getting very old but there was a candle for every year on the cake and it covered it. Wax all over it but nothing a knife couldn't scrape off and Jessie loved it! She gave me the most special card earlier in the day, one which still brings a tear to the eye when I look at it each time. She sang to me and together we had a great party! One of my best birthdays, if not the best ever!

Having stuffed ourselves with chocolate cake, she asked that I save her some for the morning. I packed it away for her and she took it back home with her the next day. A piece for mommy and Blakey and a memory of a wonderful birthday with dad! For me, the most beautiful birthday card and most memorable birthday party ever. Jessie, myself and Billy! Priceless memories!

Jessie's card to me. Enough to bring a tear to the eye every time I look at it.

Missing a Loved One

Jessie and I enjoying a special moment in South Africa

No doubt we've all been there and experienced this in some shape and form. Traveling around the world playing cricket, I've had to deal with it my whole life since I was 18. But it was a choice, and somehow it just doesn't feel quite the same. Besides, there was always that "looking forward to seeing you" feel as you were fulfilling your duty and ticking down the days till you get reunited again.

Being separated from your wife and kids due to a broken marriage is very different though. At the moment I only get to see my 7 year old daughter every two weeks and it's torture. People will say, "just make the best of your time together" and yes we do! But it's those nights you go to bed and miss that good night kiss you'd give her on the cheek as you tuck her in once more. It's the "I love you daddy" you don't get to hear as she smiles at you or that prayer the two of you say before bed time. 

Having fun in the snow

I spend many hours laying awake at night thinking about what's been taken away from me. I get angry sometimes. Sometimes I have to remind myself to be grateful for the fact that I can still get to see her every now and again, unlike some parents who unfortunately have lost their children through death. It's an unbearable thought and I can't imagine how difficult it must be to cope with. My thoughts and prayers are with those.

My situation may not be as bad as some but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Only seeing your little princess 2 nights out of 14 is less than 15% of the time. In other words, it's missing out on 6  years of her next 7 years. By the time she reaches 18, in 10 and a half years' time, I'll only be part of her life for 1 and a half year! It's a scary and very sad thought. Perhaps understandable that at times I get a bit emotional and other times I get angry.

Treasure every moment!

Some may look at this and think it's depressing to read. Some may think I'm looking for sympathy and perhaps even question as to why I would want to share my thoughts and emotions with the world. The way I see it is very different. I like to think of it as creating awareness and carrying a message to those who hasn't experienced it, while sympathizing with those who go through what I'm having to deal with on a daily basis.

Never take anything for granted. Melissa and I once had the most amazing relationship! People looked at us thinking we were the perfect couple. We shared and made the most beautiful memories, had bad times, worked through it, sacrificed together and brought the most beautiful and precious girl to this world. We had everything! Today I don't.

Where it all began, Cape Town

My message is simple. Don't take things or anyone for granted. Show them how much you love them and how much you care every minute of the day! Make them feel special and put as much work into your relationship than you would in anything else. You never know when tomorrow gets taken away from you.

When Is The Right Time To "Move On"?

Your marriage unfortunately hasn't worked out and you now find yourself separated from your partner. Not only has your relationship of 13 years come to an end but there's also children involved which means walking away and never dealing with each other again, closing the chapter and pretending it never happened, is not an option.

Six months has since passed, but you're still married. Yet things have gone from bad to worse and these days conversations are limited to "what time are you fetching her?", "I was busy" or "it's none of your business". It's not getting any easier. The hope of trying to remain being friends, for the sake of the child, is long gone. But life moves on.......

The question I have for you all is this: When is it okay or when is the right time to move on? This situation is different to a couple who split up or divorced and have no children. I guess then it's just a question of when you feel the time is right and when it suits you. This is different though. You're still married and you have children to think of also.

So, is it right to expose your child to seeing you sleep next to someone else at night? I was fortunate to be brought up in a Christian household and school. I'm by no means a perfect Christian, though I strive to be as good as I can. Adultery was a big no-no from as long ago as my mind stretches. And today I can see why! But to get back to this particular point, why would anyone do this to their child? Is it an act of hate towards the partner? If so, what about the child's feelings towards the other parent. Surely this can't be fair on the innocent victim.

What about the law? Is this adultery because the person is still married? What about the risks? Besides emotional harm this could cause the child, the court may also hold this against the person when it comes to divorce settlement and custody. Perhaps most concerning to me though is the question of how well does that person actually know your "replacement"? Is your child safe??? It's a scary thought, but reality!

In my opinion, the right time would be once there is absolutely no hope to ever fix and repair the problems that caused you to be separated. When getting a divorce is the last possible outcome. Once you're no longer married and only then when you've explained the situation to your child, when you've taken into account their thoughts and feelings and when you are 100% certain that the new person holds no threat to your child's well being, then the time is right to move on.

I'm no expert in this field and I'm not qualified to say what's right and what's wrong, but common sense tells me that this is no time to be selfish, not when children are involved. I'd be interested to hear your own views and please feel free to share them in the comments field. After all, we're all allowed an opinion.

New Year Resolutions

It's that time of the year again..... Everyone, well most of us, look to put a not so perfect year behind us and hope to have a better one instead. The New Year normally brings a whole lot of resolutions but how many of us actually stick to it? How long do they last?

I often wonder why people actually bother starting these on January the 1st. Yes, it's a new start to the year, but what difference does it make if we feel the need of change and it actually starting on the 12th of February, 17th of June, 6th of October or any other date for that matter.

I think in general New Year resolutions are a good thing. At the end of the day, people normally have them in order to be better or get rid of a bad habit. Nothing wrong with that, but the trouble is, it becomes so much easier to give up trying once you've slipped up having implemented these changes at the beginning of the year. Then only 12 months later do we feel the need to try again.

The gyms will be packed this month (or this week), people will start eating healthy, stop smoking, cut down on drinking, be nice to others but rarely do we see an effort being made to stick to these 6 months down the road. The failure in sticking to these resolutions have made some people not believe in it at all.

I believe we should all strive to improve our lifestyle and inner self. But these changes should happen on a daily basis, not just on the 1st of January. If for whatever reason we slip up and break it, let's not give up on it until the end of the year again. Let's pick ourselves up straight away and try again.

Do you have any New Year resolutions? Feel free to share yours in the comment field. 

Happy New Year

Personally 2013 didn't end up turning out the way I would have liked. A broken marriage, change in career and starting off again from scratch - only time will tell whether these changes will end up being for the better. Perhaps it has something to do with the number 13! Ironic that it should also be the house number I grew up in.

A last minute change of plan meant I was spending New Year's Eve without Jessie. Funny enough, I didn't dread the loneliness as much as I did for Christmas. I even had an invite off Ben Hall which unfortunately I declined. Nice of him to think of me though. No doubt we'll make a plan soon to have a braai! 

I thought it would probably be best just to go to my local, 5 Lamps, for one or two beers before settling in front of the telly, seeing in the New Year. One thing I did pick up in 2013 was a taste for Real Ale! Thanks to +Geoff Trett  I'm now even a proud member of CAMRA! So perhaps it was no surprise that 6 hours after ordering my first pint of Tribute, I should find myself singing Auld Lang Syne along with the other locals.

It was my first NYE spent as a single guy in 13 years. And there's that number again! Of course it felt different and how could I not think of some great memories from the past, but in many ways I quite enjoyed sitting and chatting to the other folk.

2014 has the prospect of hopefully being a brilliant year for me. I've been accepted at Derby University and now it's just a question of which course to choose. Journalism or Sports Management. On obtaining a degree in either of these I could either stick to the industry or choose to complete my PGCE course in order to become a fully qualified teacher.

So, excitement ahead and I'm really looking forward to the New Year. I hope 2014 brings you all lots of joy and happiness too! Here's to an awesome year ahead!

Staff at 5 Lamps Pub - Derby