Controlling Anger - Easier Said Than Done

It’s been a long time since I've been this angry apart from being let down by a couple of friends the other day, but at my soon to be ex-wife, it’s been a long time! Even last week’s incident didn't make me this angry because that was more disappointment than anger to be honest.  Having been told on three separate occasions that I am not allowed to take Jessie overseas, and twice just being ignored, I opened an email today “asking my permission” for her mother to take her to SA over Christmas! The cheek, not only because I'm not allowed to, but this in the wake of being told last week that I can’t speak to Jessie every day even though we often speak for 3 – 5 minutes only. Bizarre that my permission is required when despite having asked for it on numerous occasions I don’t even get consulted when it comes to decision making over her schooling and extra mural activities. Oh yes of course, legislation and immigration laws have changed, you can’t take a child in and out of South Africa anymore without both parents’ consent. I bet that drives some parents insane!!

Am I wrong feeling upset about this? Maybe I am, but I cannot begin to explain how it feels to be told I cannot be trusted in taking my little girl, someone I love and care about more than anything in this world, overseas or be told “maybe one day, things might improve”. Nothing will buy back this time taken away from us, nothing!! I have done nothing to deserve that! My entire life has already been wrecked totally by one person’s selfish decision in causing me to not be part of 95% of my little girl’s life, without even willing to fight and do everything possible to try and work things out. People would tell me “move on”….. I ask these questions. Do you have a child? How would you feel losing him or her? Have you lost a child? Do you know anyone who has lost a child and would you dare saying to someone who’s lost a child to move on? I won’t…… perhaps we’re just different but I’ll rather comfort that person and say I'm really sorry and try to be the best friend I could be – not judge that person’s actions because he/she is angry at God.

I get punished for having suffered with depression and having felt like giving up on life because of what has been taken from me  – yet I never attempted it but I wasn't allowed to even see my beloved daughter for 6 months and even then it was under supervision for a long time yet the same person who imposed that punishment laid in intensive care previously having actually attempted suicide – yet I'm the one being judged, I'm the one told to get a life, to get real, that I'm selfish….. honestly? Did I cause adultery? No! Did I try and raise another man’s sons? Yes, because they felt like my own and I loved them as much as I love my own daughter! Have they disowned me? Yes! How many happy birthday messages and Christmas messages and condolences have I sent without any reply! I wish I knew why…. I wish I knew why my sins and shortcomings are worse than theirs and why mine is just unforgivable. Sad that one person’s family and friends can turn against you for reasons unbeknown to yourself…… yet they would pretend to love your little girl. How can you love someone but hate the person she loves to bits? What a crazy, sad, sad world we live in……… But it’s all my fault.