Time heals slowly

It's been a while since I've shared my thoughts on here. Sometimes sharing one's opinion can cause further obstacles and problems, but sometimes keeping them inside of you can cause a buildup of bad and negative emotions.

Another year has gone; it hasn't been an easy one. Caught in the middle of emotions of wanting to forgive but also those of anger, disappointment, confusion and sadness. If only moving on was that easy.

People say things get better in time. Maybe it does.......

The problem is that some people also say "never give up".......

How does a person sometimes know what the right thing to do is? Not the best thing, but the right thing. And who does the right thing best apply to? You, your ex or the child? Do you go with your brain or your heart?

It's not easy...... It's seems very easy to comment from the outside but when you're the one in those boots, trust me, it's not easy to move on. But I have no doubt we'll get there. When you truly love somebody, and I mean truly, I guess what's most important is to see the person happy. The hardest thing is not knowing whether or not she's in fact truly happy or indeed what exactly it is she really wants. Being able to sit down and talk about it ought to be the best way forward but when it's not an option it only makes matters worse.

Perhaps one day I'll have a better understanding, but as for now, there are unfortunately still too many questions that remain unanswered. One thing I am certain about though is that I'm pass the stage of being angry and can only offer my forgiveness.

A Brilliant Birthday

Jessie and I on my birthday.

A couple of months ago I celebrated my first birthday after Melissa and I got separated. Of course it was going to be a bit of an emotional, low key event. Mind you, getting to my age, these occasions aren't events anymore, just a reminder that you're nearing retirement age, lol.

But Jessie had other ideas! How silly of me to think that my birthday will be a low key event. Not when Jessica de Vos is involved!! Oh no, she had other ideas, and that little 7 year old has a heart of gold and knows how to brighten anyone's day up and make an ordinary day, a special one.

Our day began with a bit of brunch in town. Jessie loves Frankie & Benny's and we were just in time to put last orders in on the breakfast menu. It felt right to treat Jessie on this day and she quickly indulged into a triple layer pancake with maple syrup. I opted for an ordinary English Brekkie. Then we swapped plates as the pancake proved just a little too much for my princess. She had no problem tucking in to my bacon and eggs though, lol.

Jessie & Billy at Walkabout

We then went to Build-a-Bear where Jessie chose a bear to be made for her and got him an outfit. She named him Billy and now he shares the same birthday as me! If you think it's hard going clothes shopping with a girl, try shopping for clothes with a 7 year old and her bear! We eventually walked out of there an hour later with a slight dent in my wallet! But it was worth every minute and penny!

England happened to play the All Blacks later that day and after initially inquiring at Walkabout if kids were allowed on the day, we made a reservation. We were welcomed with a certificate placed on our reserved table, including South African flags. A lovely touch by Bashka!

Nice touch by Walkabout

We had a great time and Jessie really enjoyed the atmosphere. She even stood up and did the Haka. That cost me a fiver too! After the rugby we were greeted by hundreds of people gathering outside in the Market Square. It was the switching on of the Christmas lights. We ended up staying there and enjoyed wonderful entertainment! And of course Jessie got to see Santa which in addition to the live music was undoubtedly the highlight for her. The countdown was followed by a huge "wow!!!" as the Christmas lights were all turned on.

The Big Birthday Bash!

That was followed by the private party at home. VIPs only. Jessie, myself and Billy the bear. Jessie brought her Happy Birthday hat with and we took turns in wearing it. Either the cake was very small or I'm just getting very old but there was a candle for every year on the cake and it covered it. Wax all over it but nothing a knife couldn't scrape off and Jessie loved it! She gave me the most special card earlier in the day, one which still brings a tear to the eye when I look at it each time. She sang to me and together we had a great party! One of my best birthdays, if not the best ever!

Having stuffed ourselves with chocolate cake, she asked that I save her some for the morning. I packed it away for her and she took it back home with her the next day. A piece for mommy and Blakey and a memory of a wonderful birthday with dad! For me, the most beautiful birthday card and most memorable birthday party ever. Jessie, myself and Billy! Priceless memories!

Jessie's card to me. Enough to bring a tear to the eye every time I look at it.

Missing a Loved One

Jessie and I enjoying a special moment in South Africa

No doubt we've all been there and experienced this in some shape and form. Traveling around the world playing cricket, I've had to deal with it my whole life since I was 18. But it was a choice, and somehow it just doesn't feel quite the same. Besides, there was always that "looking forward to seeing you" feel as you were fulfilling your duty and ticking down the days till you get reunited again.

Being separated from your wife and kids due to a broken marriage is very different though. At the moment I only get to see my 7 year old daughter every two weeks and it's torture. People will say, "just make the best of your time together" and yes we do! But it's those nights you go to bed and miss that good night kiss you'd give her on the cheek as you tuck her in once more. It's the "I love you daddy" you don't get to hear as she smiles at you or that prayer the two of you say before bed time. 

Having fun in the snow

I spend many hours laying awake at night thinking about what's been taken away from me. I get angry sometimes. Sometimes I have to remind myself to be grateful for the fact that I can still get to see her every now and again, unlike some parents who unfortunately have lost their children through death. It's an unbearable thought and I can't imagine how difficult it must be to cope with. My thoughts and prayers are with those.

My situation may not be as bad as some but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Only seeing your little princess 2 nights out of 14 is less than 15% of the time. In other words, it's missing out on 6  years of her next 7 years. By the time she reaches 18, in 10 and a half years' time, I'll only be part of her life for 1 and a half year! It's a scary and very sad thought. Perhaps understandable that at times I get a bit emotional and other times I get angry.

Treasure every moment!

Some may look at this and think it's depressing to read. Some may think I'm looking for sympathy and perhaps even question as to why I would want to share my thoughts and emotions with the world. The way I see it is very different. I like to think of it as creating awareness and carrying a message to those who hasn't experienced it, while sympathizing with those who go through what I'm having to deal with on a daily basis.

Never take anything for granted. Melissa and I once had the most amazing relationship! People looked at us thinking we were the perfect couple. We shared and made the most beautiful memories, had bad times, worked through it, sacrificed together and brought the most beautiful and precious girl to this world. We had everything! Today I don't.

Where it all began, Cape Town

My message is simple. Don't take things or anyone for granted. Show them how much you love them and how much you care every minute of the day! Make them feel special and put as much work into your relationship than you would in anything else. You never know when tomorrow gets taken away from you.

When Is The Right Time To "Move On"?

Your marriage unfortunately hasn't worked out and you now find yourself separated from your partner. Not only has your relationship of 13 years come to an end but there's also children involved which means walking away and never dealing with each other again, closing the chapter and pretending it never happened, is not an option.

Six months has since passed, but you're still married. Yet things have gone from bad to worse and these days conversations are limited to "what time are you fetching her?", "I was busy" or "it's none of your business". It's not getting any easier. The hope of trying to remain being friends, for the sake of the child, is long gone. But life moves on.......

The question I have for you all is this: When is it okay or when is the right time to move on? This situation is different to a couple who split up or divorced and have no children. I guess then it's just a question of when you feel the time is right and when it suits you. This is different though. You're still married and you have children to think of also.

So, is it right to expose your child to seeing you sleep next to someone else at night? I was fortunate to be brought up in a Christian household and school. I'm by no means a perfect Christian, though I strive to be as good as I can. Adultery was a big no-no from as long ago as my mind stretches. And today I can see why! But to get back to this particular point, why would anyone do this to their child? Is it an act of hate towards the partner? If so, what about the child's feelings towards the other parent. Surely this can't be fair on the innocent victim.

What about the law? Is this adultery because the person is still married? What about the risks? Besides emotional harm this could cause the child, the court may also hold this against the person when it comes to divorce settlement and custody. Perhaps most concerning to me though is the question of how well does that person actually know your "replacement"? Is your child safe??? It's a scary thought, but reality!

In my opinion, the right time would be once there is absolutely no hope to ever fix and repair the problems that caused you to be separated. When getting a divorce is the last possible outcome. Once you're no longer married and only then when you've explained the situation to your child, when you've taken into account their thoughts and feelings and when you are 100% certain that the new person holds no threat to your child's well being, then the time is right to move on.

I'm no expert in this field and I'm not qualified to say what's right and what's wrong, but common sense tells me that this is no time to be selfish, not when children are involved. I'd be interested to hear your own views and please feel free to share them in the comments field. After all, we're all allowed an opinion.

New Year Resolutions

It's that time of the year again..... Everyone, well most of us, look to put a not so perfect year behind us and hope to have a better one instead. The New Year normally brings a whole lot of resolutions but how many of us actually stick to it? How long do they last?

I often wonder why people actually bother starting these on January the 1st. Yes, it's a new start to the year, but what difference does it make if we feel the need of change and it actually starting on the 12th of February, 17th of June, 6th of October or any other date for that matter.

I think in general New Year resolutions are a good thing. At the end of the day, people normally have them in order to be better or get rid of a bad habit. Nothing wrong with that, but the trouble is, it becomes so much easier to give up trying once you've slipped up having implemented these changes at the beginning of the year. Then only 12 months later do we feel the need to try again.

The gyms will be packed this month (or this week), people will start eating healthy, stop smoking, cut down on drinking, be nice to others but rarely do we see an effort being made to stick to these 6 months down the road. The failure in sticking to these resolutions have made some people not believe in it at all.

I believe we should all strive to improve our lifestyle and inner self. But these changes should happen on a daily basis, not just on the 1st of January. If for whatever reason we slip up and break it, let's not give up on it until the end of the year again. Let's pick ourselves up straight away and try again.

Do you have any New Year resolutions? Feel free to share yours in the comment field. 

Happy New Year

Personally 2013 didn't end up turning out the way I would have liked. A broken marriage, change in career and starting off again from scratch - only time will tell whether these changes will end up being for the better. Perhaps it has something to do with the number 13! Ironic that it should also be the house number I grew up in.

A last minute change of plan meant I was spending New Year's Eve without Jessie. Funny enough, I didn't dread the loneliness as much as I did for Christmas. I even had an invite off Ben Hall which unfortunately I declined. Nice of him to think of me though. No doubt we'll make a plan soon to have a braai! 

I thought it would probably be best just to go to my local, 5 Lamps, for one or two beers before settling in front of the telly, seeing in the New Year. One thing I did pick up in 2013 was a taste for Real Ale! Thanks to +Geoff Trett  I'm now even a proud member of CAMRA! So perhaps it was no surprise that 6 hours after ordering my first pint of Tribute, I should find myself singing Auld Lang Syne along with the other locals.

It was my first NYE spent as a single guy in 13 years. And there's that number again! Of course it felt different and how could I not think of some great memories from the past, but in many ways I quite enjoyed sitting and chatting to the other folk.

2014 has the prospect of hopefully being a brilliant year for me. I've been accepted at Derby University and now it's just a question of which course to choose. Journalism or Sports Management. On obtaining a degree in either of these I could either stick to the industry or choose to complete my PGCE course in order to become a fully qualified teacher.

So, excitement ahead and I'm really looking forward to the New Year. I hope 2014 brings you all lots of joy and happiness too! Here's to an awesome year ahead!

Staff at 5 Lamps Pub - Derby

A Child Torn Between 2 Parents

Separation of husband and wife sometimes comes with a heavy price tag. Rarely do parents think of the consequences their actions and choices may have on the lives of their children. Not all marriages are perfect and of course there are numerous reasons why some break up. Sometimes the end result could be a better life for all parties concerned, but sometimes the outcome can be much worse, which begs the question: Was every possible step taken to try and resolve matters within the troublesome relationship. Were professionals actually given the opportunity to work with both parties and did we as individuals do everything we could to try and make things work?

Most relationships have their ups and downs and we often end up being stronger and better people when we get through the storm. Sometimes we take things for granted. We'll have an argument and think "oh we'll get through it eventually and make up again". Often this is the case...... Until one day..... No more making up and it's the end.......

Why did we not appreciate each other? Why were we best soul mates for so long, just to end up fighting all the time? Why have we changed? So many questions, so many times you wish you could turn back time!

The innocent one caught in the middle of all this is the 7 year old girl who now has to act more mature and stronger than anyone can imagine! It's the girl who doesn't want to say too much good about either parent in case she ends up hurting the other one's feelings!

I didn't have Jess over on Christmas Day. It was hard, but we made up for that dreaded lonely experience, which luckily ended up being a wonderfully enjoyable day, by celebrating Christmas Eve on the 23rd instead.

Such is Jessie's great manners and adorable thoughtfulness that with each present she opened, she showed genuine appreciation. Whether it was a little art set from her daddy or an educational book off her favourite uncle Geoff, the sincerity and appreciation could clearly be seen in her eyes and heard by the tone of her voice as she thanked each of us for each and every present opened. Which was then followed by playing with all of them, not neglecting any of them. A very pleasing sight considering the most expensive present was £9.99!

Although Jessie didn't spend Christmas with me, we made a plan and it was great! After spending the actual day with her mother and step brother Blake, she returned again on Boxing Day. Jessie and I have already had wonderful holidays together, but these last 5 days easily rank among the best. Ask her uncle Geoff, she's been amazing and we've all had a great time! From cycling and walking around Darley Park, baking, doing crosswords, playing with dogs in the pub, practicing cricket in the lounge, playing bingo, telling stories, bird watching and staying up till the early hours of the morning, it's been a truly memorable week! Perhaps one the most special times was when Jessie decided to surprise daddy and tidy up the lounge at 1am! Such is the thoughtfulness the girl has that she spent an hour tidying not just her own mess but her daddy's and uncle Geoff's too! 

Such is the warmth of her heart that she said she'd prefer to live with me for one week and with her mum for another. Asking her why she said that, she replied saying she wouldn't like either of our feelings to be hurt and that it will be fair! It's easy to forget she's only 7 years old!

Having overheard her earlier today, when she spoke to her mum on the phone saying she misses her a lot and that two days is still a long time before she'll get to see her again, I asked her afterwards whether she misses her mum. She asked if I heard what she was saying on the phone, and I said "yes I did but it's okay." There's nothing wrong in missing someone and it's understandable, especially since she's not used to being away from her mum for this length of time.

I asked her if she wanted to go back tomorrow and with a brave little voice she said she'd like that but didn't want me to be sad. Her thoughtfulness brought a tear to my eye straight away and yet again she proved to be braver than me! I told her it's fine, that I will understand and the time we've spent together this time around has been very special. I said it would have been great to spend New Year's Eve together, but all I want is for her to be happy and it's not her fault that she misses her mommy!

She said why don't we pretend New Year's Eve is tonight? I explained to her that it usually co-incides with fireworks around the world and us being able to see various countries entering the New Year on TV. Jessie then said "I'll be back just now daddy" and left the room.

It's hard for the strongest of dads to hold back the tears when you experience what I did moments later. Back she came with a tiny little sealed handmade envelope. Inside it was money she took out of her savings box - for me. With the floodgates already opening I thanked her and said I can't take that money off her, but she insisted and said "Daddy, I know you don't have a lot money, but please I want you to be happy - you're best daddy in the whole world and I'm so lucky to have you as my dad. I'll miss you but I love you very much!" as she put her arms around my neck. Well..... Nothing could hold the tears back then as we were both sobbing away!

I told her never to feel bad about missing or wanting to be with either parent. That it's not her fault. She said she just wants us all to be back together and be one happy family, and I said to her I wish so too but kept saying to her that it wasn't her fault, that she was not to blame and didn't deserve to be put in the middle.

I wiped my tears and said "C'mon my angel, let's do something fun, let's have a party!" She told me to wait there and went into the lounge. 5 mins later she came to fetch me and there was another amazing sight awaiting me. She cut paper in the shape of fireworks, stuck it to the wall, wrote happy new year and I love you daddy on another.

Tonight, the 30th of December 2013, I'm having the best New Years Eve celebration ever!

I love you Jessica Elaine de Vos! You're the most amazing little girl and daughter anyone can ask for!

Jessica de Vos