Studying full-time seen to be selfish

Post marriage has been challenging at times and it took a while to accept there was nothing that could save the marriage anymore. I was always going to be caught in between "accepting a break-up" and fighting and doing everything possible to save our marriage. It wasn't my choice to give up but I had to eventually accept defeat and respect my daughter's mother's choice and wish. Time does heal.... Eventually. People are right, it does get easier sometimes with time although not everything and it doesn't answer all questions, but you move on......

It also gives you time to reflect and for me personally it gave me an opportunity to improve my life. Not only as a person but also professionally and gain a qualification which would offer me an opportunity to improve not only my income but also my lifestyle and what I could offer my daughter, both financially as well as a role model. It doesn't come without sacrifice though and putting my career on hold for three years takes courage but the experience so far has been incredible and probably the best career/educational decision I've ever made! Not only have I excelled well above my own expectations so far but I have also developed as a professional individual enormously.

But rarely can I enjoy and take pride in what I see as an achievement without a dampener being put on it. None more so unfortunately than continuously being told that my choice of studying full-time instead of working full-time and supporting Jessie is nothing short of selfish!! I am sorry, but as far as I'm concerned it's very much the opposite. Yes it's a short term sacrifice but hopefully for a long term gain. It's not easy...... I have to juggle my studies, aiming for a comfortable first grade, doing a part-time job, trying to set up a business, volunteering for a charity and making time to spend quality time with Jessie (which I want and still see as the most important thing because nothing can buy back this time as she grows up). Though I'm not complaining and it was my choice but for once I'm actually feeling proud of what I'm achieving and a feel good factor alongside it. 

I've had to endure some dark times post seperation, many hours of feeling sad because Jess has been taking from me and often had visits being cancelled, leaving me in an even worse state. But I fought very hard to control those feelings despite being tested on numerous occasions. The last year and a bit has been a lot easier. Making me feel worthless however was never going to help and even though I specifically asked on several occasions not to be told I'm doing Jessie injustice because of my decision to study towards a degree, I still get accused. Even worse that some outsiders have started the same thing, telling me that I'm selfish, and that I should get a job!

Why should the world be such a cruel place when all I'm trying to do is become a better person and be the best dad I could possibly be? It's these kind of things which leads a person to lose motivation unfortunately, when nobody can see the good intentions you have and instead throw stones at you and enjoy the suffering it brings, to then say "you've brought it upon yourself". Where's the love gone in this world......?

No overseas holidays with Jess

How cruel can a parent be? Admittedly I'm not in the best financial position right now but nonetheless it doesn't stop me having dreams and working towards goals and holidays. Sadly though, for the third time in the last 15 months I'm told that I'm not allowed to take Jessie abroad. What kind of person would be perfectly fine leaving our beloved daughter in my care on weekends but don't "trust" me taking her on holiday for a weekend or maybe longer to France or Italy? Like I'm a criminal or have a record or background of doing anything crazy and cause my little girl harm. Apparently I'm too unstable and I'm not settled in this country! Really!!!! The only reason I'm "unsettled" if that is what it's called, is because I'm the one who got told to leave a family house and start again on my own. To then had to make a choice between carrying on the job I did and not get to see my little girl because my employer couldn't guarantee giving me weekends off every fortnight. To then be made redundant shortly after starting a new job because one of the outlets closed down, certainly hasn't helped but instead of being lazy and living off benefits I decided to try and improve my career prospects by studying towards a Sport Management degree and possibly doing a PGCE. Still, I'm the one blamed for everything, my child taken away from me and I'm not allowed to get upset about it. Now I'm constantly being told I can't take her abroad, yet we've had numerous holidays travelling across England.

I feel so sorry for Jess being denied that opportunity and not to mention visiting South Africa and her family there. Perhaps she may never travel to South Africa again until she's 18 because no matter how nice a person I am or have been, how could I ever agree for her mum to take her on holiday when she has denied me the chance? I'd love to say I'm a better person than that and believe me I always strive and try my best to be the best person I can be, but when I get punished and Jessie has to live with the consequences of not being able to share and make those memories with me too, how can anyone just accept it? It's just incredibly sad.....

I've been trying to open a savings account for her in her own name for several months but again, I can't be trusted with her birth certificate or passport? How can I keep on being treated like an animal, not trusted, like I am a criminal of some sorts? But I dare not get upset about it because then I'm the bad one. What sad person can continue being this mean to another despite being begged to just be normal, not least for the child's sake. Yet, I'm completely trusted in having my little angel stay with me in this country (thankfully). Crazy..... nothing would ever buy back this time that has been taken away from us and it's hard to forgive when a person continue causing you harm. I wish I could.......

1st snow of the year ☃

If there's one person in this world who never fails at bringing joy in my life, it's Jessica! We may only see each other every fortnight, but rarely does a weekend together not leave memories that will last a lifetime and this weekend has been no exception! Sadly though the Rams did their best at spoiling the party on Saturday getting hammered 3-0 by Birmingham.... It was the first time Jessie has seen them lose mind you but no doubt it won't be the last time either, as much as I wish it can be avoided. But as they say, you've got to have the bad days in order to appreciate the good ones!

It didn't stop us having an amazing evening though as we played a game of Tension - the new board game her uncle Geoff bought her for Christmas - and did a bit of wrestling which she always loves! Yesterday morning we were greeted with a blanket of snow outside which we took full advantage of going for an early morning walk in the park which of course included a snowball fight and building a snowman too! There was even time for an ice cream!!

Despite the problems there are and have been between her mum and I and both of our mistakes and shortcomings, I will always be proud of and appreciate the role we both play in trying to raise her in the best possible way. Jessie's manners never lets me down and I just hope she never loses that! She's the most kind hearted little girl any parent can wish for. I love you to bits Jessica Elaine de Vos ❤️

A dream project, please let's make it happen......

Please donate by clicking here - your help will go a long way

Ever since making the decision to permanently move abroad seven years ago, I've had a dream of helping others accomplish what I was blessed with shortly after turning nineteen; An opportunity to visit and play cricket in England, the place it's believed to have been practised more than 450 years ago. Leaving the shores of Africa in 2008 wasn't easy, nor was it back in 1996. Although some similarities exist - a new adventure and both on the back of cricket - there were two big differences; Not knowing if we'll ever return and leaving everything behind. It's a sacrifice nobody understands unless you've experienced it yourself.

Many days I ask myself whether or not is was the right thing to do, how life would have been had we not made that decision? Not many days go by without me carrying a heavy load of guilt on my back for making a selfish decision - a decision that I thought would offer us a better opportunity, better career, better education for our children and a safer environment. At the time I didn't think about what I took away from others - grandchildren away from their family, children away from their parents, family and friends and the opportunity that the cricket academy I started seven years prior provided to children from all backgrounds. It's sometimes a bitter pill to swallow.

Things may not have turned out the way I'd hoped and although I may never quite understand why, I will always believe things happen for a reason, albeit not always easy to accept, it can often steer you on a different route with unexpected and perhaps better outcomes. Who'd have thought I'd be in full-time education at the age of thirty nine? Who'd have thought I'd be standing pitch side in front of 32,000 singing fans during kick off at an English Football match and that I'd have fallen in love with Wheelchair Basketball, being a Team Liaison for Italy? Who knows the reason we get knocked off our path sometimes, the important thing is to get up and make the best of what we're able to while we can.

It's for that reason I've decided to focus on the dream I mentioned right at the beginning. Being involved in the Academy back in South Africa not only gave me lifelong memories but it provided something to the community which we could all share, enjoy and benefit from. Sport development has improved vastly over the past decade and many young people from all corners of South Africa are given an opportunity to compete on the world stage nowadays. Cricket has also transformed into a very wealthy sport and can be very financially rewarding for those who make it onto provincial level, especially in the IPL. Kids from all backgrounds, no matter how poor, therefore have an opportunity to set themselves up for life through doing something they love.

The project I'm looking to start however, is aimed at those who probably won't make it that far. It's aimed at young people who just aren't quite good enough to represent their country or even province but who have a passion and love for the game like no other, like what I had when all I wanted to do was come to England and play cricket every day. Although I had the passion, the biggest problem standing in the way of relishing my dream was being able to fund it. I was very lucky though - the help I received from the community and years of savings made it possible. Not everyone is that blessed..... I want to help make that possible for some and offer them something they will never forget.

I'm hoping to raise enough money to be able to offer two cricketers a six week visit to England next year, during which they'll receive coaching, play matches, a visit to Lord's and enjoy some British culture. This might well be the only ever time they get such a chance - who knows, it might even jump-start their career in the sport. Although I'm planning a number of fundraising events, this will not be possible without generous support from businesses and individuals. I must therefore ask if you'd please be so kind to support this campaign by clicking on the link to help make someone accomplish a dream and by making even a tiny donation. 

No matter how small, your contribution will go a long way towards making this dream a reality. The biggest challenge is getting every single person reading this to donate something. Too often we think, "Nah, I can't be bothered", "my tiny contribution won't help" or even worse, "I'll do it another time" - then we don't. Please, act now. What is one less £3 spent on something this month or even week? 

By donating something and sharing this with your friends via email, Facebook, Twitter or whichever way you can, could eventually help offer these guys the best six weeks of their lives.

Let's make this possible, together, please. Your help will be gratefully appreciated, thank you.

Is modern technology damaging our mannerism?

If there’s one thing I can’t stand, other than lies and stealing, it’s someone not showing manners. Growing up as a kid there was no option. It was as necessary as the air we needed to breathe. You wouldn't dare show disrespect, not least to your elderly. I remember how it was the norm to call someone around ten years or so older than you “aunt” and “uncle” – not just those related to you. It was called respect.

Many of us change as we get older. Some for the better, some for the worse unfortunately. I know I myself have changed but one thing I’ve tried really hard to hold on to, is manners. It’s so easy and it doesn't cost anything. Luckily there are millions out there who still have amazing manners and it’s always so pleasing to see.

I've always been very proud of my little girl, Jessie’s, manners and it’s always pleasing for a parent when someone praises her for it. She has a golden heart too and the two often goes hand in hand. Just the other day she illustrated this once again when walking pass a homeless man in the city, she asked if she could give her hot dog which she hadn't even taken a bite of yet, to the man. She stood there watching him from a distance with genuine care and I could see how happy she felt that he had something to eat.

Wouldn't the world be an amazing place if every person in this world showed the same amount of care to others? We quickly forget our purpose on this piece of land. It doesn't even belong to us, yet we’ll fight over it, tell others we have more right on it than what they have. I sometimes think as individuals we give up too easily because we think we can’t make a difference. That there are too many people out there not sharing our beliefs and principles. I think that’s where we go wrong…… I do think there are more well-mannered and caring people on earth than there are baddies. But we’re too caught up in our own thing and worry too much about ourselves. We think we can’t change the world – as individuals I’m sure we can’t, but we can change individuals and as one we can go a long way to changing the world. There’ll always be evil, but it will have little impact if it only makes up for 1% of the globe.

Back to Jessie….. I was struck this morning by a one liner Skype message I received from her in reply to me trying to arrange a time for us to chat. We haven’t been able to talk all week and all of last week neither, and I've sent her a few messages trying to arrange an appropriate time to talk. Of course I was delighted to wake up finding a message of hers on my Skype but unfortunately my mood was dampened straight away when it read “I can’t I'm going to chestifer”. No good morning papa, how are you? Just a one liner. It’s not how I know my little angel so it’s quite deflating. I did manage to quietly laugh about the chestifer which I presume was meant to be Chesterfield, lol.

It’s not the first time and I’ve spoken to her about the importance of being respectful and to show manners at all times, even on a social chat platform and she listened at the time. She had a very old mobile phone then and she blamed it on the fact that it takes forever for her to write something, which I could sympathise with. One wouldn't normally encourage 9 year old children to communicate via that platform but society is changing, kids are quickly becoming more IT intelligent at a younger age and it provides the best form of communication for us – we just need to stay on top of it with regards to safety as well as the method we communicate in, not forgetting manners.

It then made me think….. Are we living in a time where social media has become so dominant that the speed of which we write to one another is causing us to put things in short, emotionless sentences, if we could even call it a sentence? Are we sending messages across to one another that misinterpret ourselves or is it becoming such a habit that we actually forget how to communicate with each in a proper, well-mannered and respectful way? As technology moves forward, society seems to go backwards. I'm not sure if that’s a good thing.

I've not been able to speak to her since, although I did reply with a very polite message reminding her not to forget her manners even in a message. When there are miles between you and your daughter and she only sees you one or two days a fortnight at most, it becomes even more difficult to be the “bad parent”, nagging, and it’s a risk you take because you want to do everything in your power for her to love you and not give any reason for her to dislike you but hopefully one day she’ll appreciate it and realise you did it because you love her more than anything and just want her to grow up being the beautiful, wonderful and caring person she is. “I hate telling you off my angel as much as you hate being told off, I promise you. Papa loves you to the moon and back my skapie xx”.

An Apology - It can work wonders

No doubt much has been written and spoken about an apology. In my opinion, it's an action that can work wonders. When it's truly meant of course. Sometimes we abuse apologies and use them without actually meaning it and just saying it for the sake of it. I think a true apology is something very special but it also needs someone special to be able to accept one. It's therefore also a two way stream. I was pleasantly surprised this evening when a good friend of mine contacted me and apologised over something he said a day or two ago. Not directed at me but a comment he made in general. It takes a true gentleman in my mind to stand up and apologise and that one little action this evening tells me so much about this friend. I know he truly meant it because most people would have just left it and carried on, hoping maybe it be forgotten along the way; Not this guy. Having stepped away from the situation, given it some thought, he felt his comment was unfair and he apologised! That's a true gentleman and something I'll remember a lot longer than a silly comment he once made. Let's not be too proud and too selfish to apologise. No matter how little or irrelevant it may seem, we have no idea how much it might mean to the other person.

Things Don't Always Go To Plan

Things unfortunately don't always go the way we plan it. This coming weekend being a prime example. I guess as we get older, we start celebrating our birthday less and less - though not everyone will agree with that - and to be honest it's not exactly the same celebrating all by yourself. It's not easy when your family are six thousand miles away and your daughter not being able to be with you, despite being twenty minutes away.

I was blessed last year, having an unforgettable one and Jessie made it unbelievably special. This year unfortunately a chain of circumstances are preventing me from being with Jess. Every day I'm not with her makes me very sad of course but I feel extremely sorry for her not being able to be with me. Even more so for the fact that I won't be able to see her perform at a Diwali Festival on Friday.

So much for people thinking immigrants have it easy and just live off the state! They have no idea.....  I can only hope that Jessie will one day understand and forgive me for not always being able to be there. Things WILL get easier....... I'm sorry my angel :-(